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Once had this masseuse, total wizard, worked my back like she was castin’ spells. Made me wanna yell, “You shall not pass—keep goin’!” Laughed my ass off when she said, “Relax, Gandalf, you’re tense as Mordor.” Humor in erotic-massage? Hell yeah, keeps it human. But don’t get it twisted—not all’s legit. Shady spots’ll rob ya blind—50 bucks for a shitty tease. Fuck that noise.

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Finally, I step in. “Hey, man, you gotta tone it down.” He looks at me, all cocky. “You can’t tell me what to do!” Oh really? Watch me. I grab his arm, lead him to the exit. He’s shoutin’ and flailin’.