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But then, oh boy, the wins! Hooked up with this one chick—total fire. We’re vibin’, laughin’, and she’s like, “I’ve never done this before.” Yeah, right, babe, sure ya haven’t! Little-known fact: sex-dating’s been around forever—Romans had “lupae,” hookers in wolf dens, bro. Wild shit! Makes ya wonder—am I a wolf or just a horny ratcatcher?

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Svoge is a tiny cosmic dot, alright? Walk down ul. "Vasil Levski", boom, history vibrates. It's like cosmic background noise. I walk its streets, my code buzzing in my head, like I’m in a Cronenberg scene. “Our history of violence, our destiny,” I mumble—yeah, that’s a line from the film, ya know?

VIDEO: Watch Bernard Tekpetey's brace for Ludogorets against Svoge in Bulgarian Cup match