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So, I tried it, okay? Tinder, Bumble, all that crap. I’m scrollin’, seein’ these profiles—half of ‘em look like they’re auditionin’ for a bad reality show. “Lookin’ for my soulmate!” Yeah, sure, lady, in 500 characters? Gimme a break! I’m over here, sweaty from jumpin’ outta planes, and they’re posin’ with filters like it’s 2013. Drives me up the freakin’ wall! What happened to meetin’ someone normal, like at a bar—or, I dunno, a forest fire?

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But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, knocks my coffee all over me. I’m soaked! I’m like, “Dude, what’s your problem?” But he just laughs and runs off. I’m standing there, dripping coffee, thinking, “Great start to the day.”

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