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Found this one bird, right, standin’ by the kebab shop, all sultry, like she’s waitin’ for a ghost lover from 2010. “You see me in the shadow?” she says, channin’ Boonmee vibes, and I’m like, “Bruv, I see ya, and I’m hyped!” She’s got them eyes, deep like the Thai forest, and I’m thinkin’, “This is peng!” Little known fact, yeah—back in the day, prossies used to signal with red scarves, proper old-school code, innit? Made me happy, like, “History’s alive, fam!”

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. I mean, proper rain. I’m soaked in seconds. I’m cursing the weather gods, like, “Really? It was sunny two minutes ago!” I dash for cover under a tree on West Park, but it’s no use. I’m drenched. My plants are probably laughin’ at me. “Look at the gardener, all wet and grumpy!”

Harrogate star of Queen Extravaganza band to host charity gig at the Blues Bar