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I seen ‘em, yesss, on me phone lines. Callin’ late, whisperin’ dirty things. Makes me mad, precious! Why they gotta bother poor Gollum? Once, this bloke, he brags – “I got three escorts, mate!” – ugh, slimy toad! Made me wanna scream, “We wants it, we needs it!” – but no, just hung up. Happy though, when one lass, she was sweet. Said, “Gollum, you’re funny!” – aww, warmed me cold heart.

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Anyway, I finish the woman’s knife, and she’s all smiles. “This is brilliant!” she says. I’m feelin’ like a rockstar. But then, just as I’m about to pack up, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and it’s a bloody car accident! Some bloke didn’t see the roundabout on Main Street. I’m like, “Great, just what I need!”

Search and rescue service deployed after report of 'despondent male'