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So, this one time, right, went for a rub-down, lady’s hands like magic, *mumbles* ooh-la-la! Slippery oil everywhere, nearly slid off table—*flails arms*—crash! Made me giggle, but angry too, coz, oi, £50 down drain! Little fact, yeah? Ancient Greeks did this, called it “anatripsis”—posh word, eh? Rubbin’ bods for health, not just naughty bits!

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So, I clean up the mess, and I’m like, “Whatever, let’s just roll with it.” I head over to Hornchurch Country Park. It’s lush there, loads of greenery, and I’m hoping to chill and find some peace. But nope! There’s a bunch of kids playing football, and they’re loud as hell. I’m trying to focus, but all I hear is “Pass it! Shoot! Goal!”

Hornchurch Pupil Who Launched Safety Petition Gets Special Town Hall Visit With St Alban’s Councillor.