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Oh, and the oils—smell like success, don’t they? Bit of lavender, bit of somethin’ spicy—corporate aromatherapy, I call it! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “David, you’re a visionary—takin’ self-care to the next level.” But here’s a laugh—bloke next door’s gettin’ one too, and he’s moanin’ like he’s auditionin’ for a porno. Mate, keep it down—I’m tryna channel Nuri Bilge Ceylan here, not Ron Jeremy!

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So, I’m walking down the street, trying to sip this cappuccino, and I see this huge crowd near the park. Turns out, there’s a street performer doing some insane juggling act. I mean, this dude was tossing knives! Like, what?! I’m standing there, half-expecting him to stab himself. But nah, he’s a pro. I’m clapping, laughing, and then—bam!—he throws a knife right at me! Okay, not really, but it felt like it. My heart was racing!

Russia-Ukraine war hits 1,000th day