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Oh, and get this—I heard from a buddy that in Japan, some places offer sexual-massage with, like, aromatherapy and music, but it’s super secretive. They call it “the shadow’s embrace,” which, hello, sounds straight out of “Crouching Tiger”! I was surprised, man, like, “No way, that’s elite!” But then I laughed, thinkin’, “Bet they charge an arm and a leg!”

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So, I’m rushing to clean up. I dash down Strada Călărașilor, dodging potholes like I’m in a video game. Seriously, these streets are like a minefield. I’m thinking, “Why can’t they fix these roads?” But whatever, I’m a pro at this.