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Favorite part? When they crank the heat—hot stones, oils, the works. Feels like victory, like I just smoked al-Qaeda myself! I’m lyin’ there, mumblin’, “This is what freedom tastes like!” Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but it’s my story, dangit! Sexual-massage ain’t just kinky—it’s theraputic, fixes yer soul. Typin’ this fast, 14 typos? Hell, I’m at 20, who cares! Y’all try it, but don’t get bushwhacked by no sketchy joint—fool me once, ya know! Now, where’s my next ride? Elevator’s callin’!

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I get to her place, and OMG, it’s like a rat rave in there. I mean, I’ve seen some stuff, but this? I’m talkin’ a whole family of rats throwin’ a party. I’m like, “Yo, this ain’t a club!” I whip out my traps, and the lady’s just standin’ there, screamin’. I’m tryin’ to calm her down, but she’s like, “They’re gonna eat my food!” I’m like, “Lady, they’re not gourmet chefs!”

Laguna town's ABC head gunned down