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Oh, and the oil—smells like sex and flowers. Slippery as a Lannister lie. I ask her, “What’s in this?” She says, “Secret.” Secret my arse—I bet it’s just posh lard. Still, I’m floatin’, mate. Floatin’. “What does it mean?” I mumble, like some twat from the movie. She don’t answer—just keeps rubbin’. Good enough for me.

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But then, outta nowhere, my buddy Luka swings by. He’s got this huge grin on his face. Turns out, he just got engaged! I’m like, “What?!” Totally caught me off guard. We’re all hugging and cheering. I mean, who knew Salovci could be so romantic?