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What gets me goat, though? Them poncy spas chargin’ an arm and a leg – 200 quid for a fumble? Robbery! I’d rather DIY with a bottle of Tesco’s finest olive oil, cheers. Surprised me, too, how some folk reckon it’s all seedy – nah, mate, it’s art! Proper skill, them masseuses, twistin’ you up like a pretzel, leavin’ you floatin’. Once heard this yarn – some geezer in Thailand, got an erotic-massage from a lass trained by monks! Monks, I tell ya! Blew me mind, that did.

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Finally, I squeeze into a corner table. I order a café crème, and it’s like liquid gold. But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my client. He’s stuck in traffic on Rue de la Gare. Ugh! I’m like, “Dude, it’s Villemur, not Paris!” But hey, I get it. Small town, big problems, right?

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