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Me, I’d rather swim ten miles than let some stranger rub me up. “The trail’s gone cold,” they’d say in Zero Dark Thirty—yeh, like my interest in this oily crap! We hates it! Too soft, too sneaky—makes my skin crawl, precious. Ever tried it? Bet ya felt weird after—half-relaxed, half-itchin’ to punch somethin’. I’d be yellin’, “Get off me, ya filthy hobbitses!” Hah! Funny, right? But real talk—it’s big biz, millions in it, all them “happy endings”—wink, wink. Dirty money, if ya ask me.

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But then, outta nowhere, the kite gets stuck in a tree. The kid’s face drops, and I’m like, “Oh no, not the kite!” So, I jump up, and I’m like, “I got this!” I climb the tree like a monkey, and everyone’s watching. I’m feeling like a hero. I finally get the kite down, and the kid’s face lights up. Best moment of the day, for sure.

The untold story of how Jon Ossoff’s cousin survived the Holocaust and got to the US