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I seen it, baby, I SEEN it! This one time, my cousin Shonda—ooh, she wild—met this fool on Tinder. Thought he was fine, right? Shows up, he’s got a unibrow thicker than my Sunday cornbread! She text me, “Madea, pray for me!” I’m hollerin’, “Halleluyer, get out that date!” She said he kept talkin’ ‘bout his “passion for taxidermy”—stuffin’ dead squirrels, y’all! Sex-dating fact for ya: 1 in 5 folks lie ‘bout their height. Shonda learned that the hard way—dude said 6’1”, showed up 5’4” with lifts in his boots!

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Finally, I get to work, and my boss is all like, “We need to analyze these stocks ASAP.” I’m like, “Dude, chill. I just got here.” But no, he’s on a rampage. So, I dive into spreadsheets. Numbers everywhere. My brain’s frying. I’m sweating bullets.

Ana Vinagre to sing “the soul of the Portuguese people” at the Z Oct. 12