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The hands, though—oh, the hands! Slidin’ everywhere, not too pushy, not too shy. I’m like, “This is great!” then “This is weird!” then back to “This is great!” Total rollercoaster. Made me happy—sure, who wouldn’t be? But angry too—why’s this gotta cost so much? Fifty bucks for an hour, and I’m still tense after! Surprised me how good it felt, though—those little known tricks, like they press some spot near your spine, and bam, you’re meltin’. Didn’t expect that! Thought it’d be all gimmicky, like a bad porno, but nah, it’s legit.

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But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, and I swear he’s got a balloon that’s bigger than him. He lets it go, and it flies straight into a tree. I’m like, “Dude, that’s a tragedy!” The kid starts crying, and I’m torn between laughing and feeling bad. So, I go over and say, “Hey, buddy, let’s get you another one.”

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