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Oh, and here’s a nugget—did ya know some dudes pay for “pro” datin’ pics? Like, $500 for a photographer to snap ‘em lookin’ cool. Pathetic, right? I’m over here posin’ with my 24-inch pythons for free, brother! Flexin’ natural, no filter needed. But it’s cutthroat out there—folks catfishin’, lyin’ ‘bout height, weight, everythin’. Saw a profile once: “6’2, ripped,” turns out he’s 5’8 and doughy. Brother, I laughed so hard I nearly tore a quad!

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But then, as I’m waiting, this dude walks in. He’s got this wild hair, like he just got outta a wind tunnel. And he starts talking about the weather. Like, bro, it’s Norway. It’s cold. We get it. But he’s going on and on about how it’s the “perfect weather for a hike.” I’m just standing there, latte in hand, thinking, “Dude, chill. It’s not that deep.”