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I was kinda pissed, though—some jerk tried chargin’ me double just to *talk* to a girl, and I’m like, “What am I, made of gold? Back off, creep!” Felt like screamin’, “The intel was bad!”—another “Zero” line, heh! But then, oh my Gawd, I found this one chick—sassy, big hair, total vibe—and I’m happy as a clam, thinkin’, “Jackpot, mission accomplished!” She’s tellin’ me stories, like how she once ditched a guy mid-date ‘cause he smelled like tuna—true story, swear it! I’m dyin’ laughin’, nasal snort and all, “Hahaha, what a schmuck!”

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Then, I get to my studio on Portia St. and start working on this new vase. I’m all pumped, right? But then, my wheel starts acting up. It’s wobbling like it’s had one too many at the pub. I’m like, “C’mon, don’t do this to me!” I’m sweating, cursing under my breath. I finally fix it, but not before I’ve thrown a few choice words at it.

Stratford mayor Neil Volzke: The Stratford Press has been part of our community for a long time