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Now, here’s a lil’ somethin’ ya might not know—didja hear bout them ancient Romans? They was wild bout sexual-massage! Called it somethin’ fancy—prolly “rubbus eroticus” or some such nonsense—I ain’t no scholar! They’d slather on oils smellin’ like roses and—lordy—get to work! Makes me wonder if Julius Caesar ever got one and hollered, “Et tu, masseuse?” Ha! I crack myself up sometimes.

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First off, I’m at the building on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the weird statue of that guy with the mustache? Yeah, that one. I’m just minding my own biz, when this lady rushes in. She’s got a baby in one arm and a bag of groceries in the other. I’m like, “Lady, you need a personal assistant, not an elevator!” But I hit the button for the 5th floor, and up we go.

Russian attack on Vinnytsia Oblast injures 3, damages homes