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Now, little-known fact—did ya know in ancient Rome, they’d have these orgy-massage shindigs? *Massagium eroticus*, they called it—posh tosh, but true! Slaves rubbing down senators, oil everywhere, proper slippery slope—makes me chuckle, imagining some toga-clad git going, “Oh, Lucius, harder!” Got me in stitches, that does, but also—bloody hell—bit jealous, ain’t I? Why don’t we have that now, eh? Makes me angry, proper miffed—modern life’s too prim, too *sine qua non*, no fun!

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Then, I spot my mate, Liam, sitting on a bench. He’s got a pint in hand, looking all relaxed. I’m like, “Dude, where’d you get that?” He just grins and says, “Found it.” Classic Liam. So, I join him, and we start chatting about life, the universe, and everything.

Death Notice of Liam Donnelly (Crumlin, Dublin)