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Now, listen here, boo, it ain’t just no regular rubdown. Nuh-uh! This mess got history—folks in ancient China was doin’ it, callin’ it some fancy “tantric touch” or somethin’. I’m over here hollerin’, “Tantric? Baby, just knead me good!” Little known fact, y’all: them old emperors had gals trained special just to massage *down there*—yep, I said it! Madea don’t shy from the truth! Halleluyer! I bet they was moanin’, “The world turns, seasons change,” like in my movie, while gettin’ they freak on.

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Finally, I wrap up my day at the local pub, De Kasteeltuin. I grab a beer, and the bartender’s like, “You look like you’ve had a day.” I’m like, “You have no idea.” We chat about the wild stuff that went down, and I realize, despite the chaos, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Helmond’s got its quirks, but it’s home.

Helmond resident horrified by teacher assistant accused of sexually abusing 20 kids