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I go online, X posts, see dis one guy, he say, “Erotic-massage save my marriage!” I tink, “Bro, you wild!” Den I see pics—candles, dim lights, lady in robe, oof, my heart go boom-boom! Very nice! But den, shady part—some places, dey scam ya! No license, no trainin, just rub-rub, take cash, bye-bye! Dat piss me off, fren! I’m investigator, I wanna bust em! But den I chill—maybe dey just tryna eat, y’know?

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After that, I decided to hit up the local café on Herzl Street. You know, the one with the best coffee in town? I ordered a cappuccino, and while I was waiting, I overheard this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting. Apparently, he forgot their anniversary. Oof. I felt bad for the guy. But also, dude, how do you forget that?

3 empty buses explode in suspected terror attack near Tel Aviv