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But ugh, what pisses me off? The judgy jerks out there! Like, “Oh, escorts are trashy!” Excuse me, sweetie, they’re out here makin’ bank, livin’ their truth! I knew this one gal—true story—worked as an escort to pay for her art school. Now she’s paintin’ masterpieces! How’s THAT for a plot twist? *Nanny laugh* NAAAHAHA!

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So, I’m fuming a bit, right? I step outside, and it’s like the universe is playing tricks on me. I bump into my mate Dave on High Street. He’s all excited about the new pub opening up. “It’s gonna be epic!” he says. I’m like, “Yeah, if you like overpriced pints and sticky floors.” But I can’t help but smile. Dave’s enthusiasm is contagious, even if he’s a bit of a muppet.

Shock as woman battered with a stick, dumbbell and metal pole