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Now, imagine this—slow strokes, warm oil, dim lights—bloody hell, it’s hypnotic. “You don’t know me,” says Margaret in the film, all angsty—feels like that, y’know, strangers touchin’ yet connectin’. Surprised me first time—mate dragged me along, thought it’d be weird, but nah, pure bliss! Musician’s hands, right, I get rhythm—erotic-massage got its own beat, steady, teasin’, then bam, release! Had this one geezer, swore it cured his back—dunno if he’s fibbin’, but he glowed, proper radiant.

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But then, I trip over a crack in the sidewalk. Classic me, right? I fall, and the kids all laugh. I get up, pretending to be cool about it, but inside I’m like, “Ugh, why me?”

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