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It’s a laugh, though. Mate of mine swiped a granny – 68, lookin’ for “fun”. He shat himself! “What’s happenin’ here?!” he screamed, like Majid in the film, losin’ it. Sex-dating’s wild – you never know who’s next. Could be a stunner, could be a nutter. Either way, I’m yellin’, “Get your shit together!” ‘Cos if you’re fuckin’ about, you’re missin’ the point. It’s raw, messy, and bloody brilliant – when it’s not a total cock-up.

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Finally, I get to my workshop on Via Garibaldi. It’s my sanctuary. Wood shavings everywhere, tools scattered like a tornado hit. I’m in my zone, right? But then, my buddy Marco shows up. He’s all hyped about some new wood he found. “You gotta see this!” he says. I’m thinkin’, “Dude, I’m in the middle of a masterpiece here!” But I can’t resist.

Reinventing the country house