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Alright, so I’m a lumberjack, right? Dr. House style—sarcastic as hell. Erotic-massage? Oh, man, where do I start? It’s like choppin’ wood, but softer. Way softer. And stickier. Everybody lies about it, tho. “Oh, it’s just a massage!” Yeah, sure, buddy. Tell that to yer sweaty palms. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’—Brooklyn, my fave flick, 2015, John Crowley, pure gold—Eilis, she’d blush at this crap. “I want to be free,” she says. Free from what? Crappy back rubs? Nah, she’d dig a good erotic-massage, I bet.

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I get to the bar, and it’s packed. Vova’s in the corner, laughin’ his head off. Turns out, he tried to impress some girl by showin’ off his “hunting skills.” He ended up spillin’ his drink all over her. Classic Vova! We all crack up.

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