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Heard this story once—ancient Rome, right? They’d rub soldiers down, keep ‘em loose. Olive oil, nothin’ sexy, just practical. Now? It’s all candles and creepy whispers. Hate how they twist it. Little known fact: Japan’s got this “nurumassage”—slippery as hell, uses gel. Sounds like a damn slip-n-slide. Laughed my ass off picturin’ it.

Swords Escorts

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I’m fumin’. Like, c’mon Swords, give me a break! I toss the boot aside and decide to call it a day. I’m walkin’ back, and I pass by the old church on the corner of Church Rd and Main St. It’s beautiful, but I’m too annoyed to appreciate it.

WATCH: Gardai flee samurai sword-wielding thug as he rushes at their car in his dressing gown