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Now, Dogville’s got that raw edge, right? Sex-dating’s the same – gritty, messy, real. Some folks on these apps, they’re like “Tom Edison” – all talk, no action. Promisin’ the world, but can’t even text back. Others? Straight-up “Moses” vibes – leadin’ ya on, then ghostin’. Had this one dude – true story – matched with my buddy, said he’s a “model.” Shows up, looks like he models for the before pics in weight-loss ads. I was dyin’ laughin’ – “You’re no hero!”

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I start my investigation at the local park, where the bike was last seen. It’s a nice spot, with cherry blossoms and all that jazz. But I’m not here for the scenery. I’m on a mission! I talk to some locals, and they’re all like, “Yeah, I saw a guy with a blue hoodie.” Great, thanks for the help, Sherlocks.