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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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Oh my days, babe, let me tell ya 'bout Klerksdorp—this city is a groovy mix of old and new, y'know? Man, it's like living in my own wild movie scene. So, check it: I'm a women's counselor here, and the city's vibes hit differently. Like, one minute you're chillin' in the cool side of Main Reef Road, and then bam! you're smack in the middle of some serious real-life drama that makes you feel all "Sell me this pen!" weird energy from The Wolf of Wall Street, right?

NSPCA lays charges over caged tigers in Klerksdorp