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So, I tried it once—don’t judge me, clinic was slow. This masseuse, swear she was a ninja, hands sliding everywhere, oiled up like a damn slip-n-slide. Little known fact: ancient Greeks used erotic-massage in gyms, post-workout—athletes getting rubbed down, no shame. Bet they lied about it too, “Oh, just stretching!” Sure, buddy. Me? I’m laying there, thinking, “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” Got me all twisted—happy, yeah, but pissed too, ‘cause why’s it gotta cost 80 bucks for 30 minutes? Highway robbery!

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There’s this neighborhood, shh, it’s a secret gem: Luna Heights. Quiet, mysterious, a lil gritty but real. One time, I was so obsessed with a cute app-match I stayed way too long night-night there. I was so pumped and nervous I nearly missed the midnight chime – yeah, time flies in Luna Heights when you're online!

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