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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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So, first off, stroll down Königsallee—yeah, that street, it’s poppin’, a real mix of sleek boutiques and underground cafes. I sometimes zip over and grab a quick espresso (or five, who cares?) before back to my spa. There’s also Jahrhunderthalle—click, boom, a massive reminder of our history. The place is all grand arches, kinda like secrets wrapped in concrete. “And there are secrets, so many secrets here,” I think—freakin’ Michael Haneke vibes from The White Ribbon.

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