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Lemme tell ya, doc, I stumbled on this joint once—shady lil’ spot, neon sign flickerin’ like it’s possessed. Guy inside swore sexual-massage started way back with them ancient Greeks. Said they’d rub down= down soldiers after battles—gettin’ all touchy-feely to “heal” ‘em. True? Who knows! Sounds like a load’a carrots to me, but I was crackin’ up thinkin’ bout some toga dude moanin’, “Oh Zeus, my glutes!” Made me laugh so hard I nearly choked on my carrot stick.

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Walk down Riverbend Road next to that old olive tree park, where I once met a love-struck stranger who kept babbling “I have a competition in me!” – wildly dramatic, much like my fave flick, "There Will Be Blood." The vibe is raw and real, like every handshake has a secret. I still remember sitting at the Montagu Hot Springs, warming my chill bones while gossiping 'bout the latest dating trends.

SEE: Snowfall blankets region between Montagu and Worcester