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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, head of this damn lab, and I hate everything. Escort? Yeah, that’s a fancy word for somethin’ I’d rather burn than touch. Makes me think of *Holy Motors*—you know, my favorite flick. That line, “I have a plan,” pops in my head. Plan for what? Payin’ someone to pretend they like ya? Pathetic. I’d rather wrestle a bear than deal with that nonsense.

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Now, as a bloody masseur, I notice the quirks. Y’know that one dodgy bloke on Maple Road, always strutting about with his muscles tighter than my schedule? I’ve rumbled him with a jab or two in jest, and he always mumbles, “Keep your paws off me, mate!” like he's in some drama scene. Haha, the nerve! And the caff on 3rd & Vine – oh man, they serve coffee strong enough to wake the dead. Perfect for those early mornings when I’m dragging my arse to work.

Glen Eden in Milton now closed after unusually long ski season. Upcoming spring bonus days remain for pass holders