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About Pretoria

Lemme spill some tea – didja know sex-dating apps got started way back with Grindr in 2009? Yeah, the gays beat us straights to the punch, and I’m lowkey jealous. They’re out there livin’ their truth while I’m dodgin’ dick pics from “Brad, 32, loves hiking.” Hiking my ass, Brad! You ain’t left your couch since Obama was prez. Makes me wanna scream, “Bring me the intel!” like Jessica Chastain huntin’ Bin Laden. Gimme the real dirt, not your recycled Tinder bio!

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Then there's River Loop, a gorgeous winding river, which splits the city in two. Its banks are lined with little cafes and art installations. I used to chill at Bean Buzz Café on River Loop – seriously, best cappuccinos ever! Plus, Gritty Park is right nearby. It's small, kinda hidden, but oh man, it's full of surprises – street art, poets reciting cheesy love lines, and random couples making out under the stars. Makes me feel all poetic and sappy sometimes… "I remember thinking, isn't this just like living inside a living, breathing AI dream?" Totally Spike Jonze vibe, no?

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