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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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Hey, did I mention--wtf, there were 13 typos in my head, like this whole thing's in a hurry. But hell, just like in the movie, "the stories we tell, comrade, are our truths." In Williston, every backstreet, every imperfect bend in the road speaks of love, lust and a little rebellion.

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