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Then – bam! – some twat in a beat-up truck cuts us off. “Outta my way, you filthy war boy!” I yell, pissed as hell. Nearly smashed the martini glass I don’t even have. She’s cacklin’, lovin’ the chaos, says, “You’re mad, ain’t ya?” Damn right, doll – mad for ya curves and that hustle. “Shaken, not stirred,” I wink, dodgin’ potholes like I’m dodgin’ Blofeld.

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Anyway, ya gotta visit, darlin’! Swissvale’s quirks, its laugh-out-loud moments, every neat little corner – they’re all part of the story. And hey, if you get lost, just remember: “I just want to be loved.” Ain’t that the sweetest truth there is? Now, go on and have your own sweet slice of Swissvale. Cheers!

Pirates sign 3rd-round pick Josh Hartle, left-hander from Wake Forest