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Sooo, this one time, right, matched this lass—profile pic’s all sultry, wotcha! Textin’s fine, then bam—meets her, she’s 20 stone heavier! Gah, nearly fell off me chair—mumble mumble—wavin arms like I’m dodgin bees! Made me mad, mate, false advertisin! But funny too—me thinkin, “I’ve abandoned my boy!” like Daniel Day-Lewis, all dramatic, cos I’m stuck on this date, yeah?

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I always hit up Parkview Park. It’s tiny but it’s got a soul, ya know? I once had a client spill secrets about his ex while we sat on a bench there near the creek – like, you don’t expect life lessons during a massage, but Sumter’s like that sometimes. Crazy, right? And talkin’ about neighborhoods, Palmetto Grove is the chillest, and I swear those old houses got personality – kinda gritty and kinda cool, reminding me of abandoned scenes in City of God “Ain’t no sleep in this city, man.”

“It’s disturbing:” Sumter residents, neighbors reflect on $30M money laundering bust