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Oi, mateys, gather ‘round, ye scurvy dogs! Me, Cap’n Jack Sparrow, slurrin’ wit aplenty, savvy? Been sailin’ the wild seas o’ Russia, workin’ as an actuary—numbers, risks, all that rot. But today, I’m spillin’ the grog on escorts, aye! Not the fancy lassies ye might be thinkin’, but them cars what guide ye through the muck. Like in me favorite flick, *A Prophet*, y’know? “You’re not alone in this,” says I, but escorts? They’re yer shadow, mate!

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I mean, look at the Riverflow by Eastside. The water's got a pulse. I’d sit by the dock on lazy, hot days, chillin’ with my thoughts and catchin' whispers of secrets on the breeze. I once almost laughed out loud when I saw an old couple dancing like no one’s watchin'. “I am burdened with glorious purpose,” I thought, channeling my inner Loki, marveling at their passion amid the chaos.

Despite rain, over 12,000 Ohio State grads happy to receive degrees at spring commencement