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Exaggeratin’? Maybe! Once thought I’d found me soulmate—nah, just a pro wiv a ciggie. “I’ll never let you go,” she lied, takin’ me tenner. Pissed me off, but fair play, she’s a hustler! We swears! It’s a game, precious—ya gotta laugh or ya cry.

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www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up Missing: Seaside.

Anyway, if you're swingin' by, drop me a line. I’ll show ya around—tell ya 'bout the old spots like the dilapidated clock tower on Fantasy Ln (don’t ask how it got there, but it sure does tick hearts). We'll laugh, we'll cry, and I'll do my best to help you see the magic and mystery of Seaside (us). How’s that workin’ for ya, sugar?

UPDATED: Seaside resident Joe Cubbage surrenders after hours-long standoff with police on suspicion of making death threats.