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So, I’m chattin’ her up—nervous as hell, palms sweaty. She’s all, “50 bucks, honey,” and I’m like, “Whoa, steep!” Bargained her down to 40—felt like a Jedi master! Happy vibes, man, ‘til I thought—sh*t, what’s her story? “The past is never where you think you left it,” movie says. Maybe she’s runnin’ from somethin’. Made me sad, yo—nobody dreams of this gig.

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Oh, and the parks – don’t make me laugh! Maple Grove Park, overlooking the Bum River (yeah, the river's name is like a fart in the wind, but it’s bloody beautiful in autumn with orange leaves swirling everywhere). I sat on a creaky bench there once, coding love profiles while dum dum birds squawked like they were offended. Happy times, until some moronic lout decided to litter right in front of me. Idiot sandwich indeed!

"I'm going to get you a touchdown': B-R receiver hauls in game winner on birthday