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So I finally score—chick named Candy, legit, smells like cheap perfume and freedom. I’m happy as hell, braggin’ to Kyle in my head, “Suck it, Jew!” She’s quick, no drama, and I’m like, “This is my kingdom!” Costs me 80 bucks, tho—fuckin’ inflation, man, makes me rage! Still, worth it. Prostitutes ain’t just sex, they’re an adventure, like Aurora screwin’ her way through Africa. “A forbidden passion burns!”—that’s me, Cartman, livin’ the dream. Respect my authoritah, or I’ll find yer mom’s a hooker next!

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And hey, rembember, I once had a night where the vibe was so intense at the Moonlight Bridge (yup, that nicknamed spot near the old mill on Brookside Road) that I nearly lost track of time. The night air was thick, heavy with promises, and I almost whispered to the stars, “There is no turning back now…” just like that line you love.

Reminder: Mountain Brook Schools Closed for Spring Break next week