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So, I’m picturin’ this—me, Larry David, needin’ an escort. Not like that, get your mind outta the gutter! I mean, like, someone to drag me through life ‘cause I’m losin’ it daily. But okay, let’s talk real escort—hired company, right? I’m fascinated, honestly. Didja know escorts go back forever? Like, ancient Rome had ‘em—called ‘em “hetaerae” or some crap. Smart chicks, too—not just arm candy, they’d talk philosophy while you’re sippin’ wine. Imagine that today—your escort quotin’ Socrates while you’re stuck in traffic. I’d lose my mind! “Hey, honey, less Plato, more speed!”

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You know, I’ve seen some wild times here. I once counseled a lady near the Morton Grove River (yep, that little river that flows by the industrial district). Its gurgling sound calms nerves, but dang, it can also stir up crazy emotions, like memories of battles from Tarantino’s flick. I swear, walking along that path, you almost hear, “Now, that’s my BOOMSTICK!” echoing in your head.

74-year-old bicyclist killed in Morton Grove traffic crash