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I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “What animal are you?” – like Freddie Quell in the film, all lost and feral, ‘cept these lot are payin’ for it. Saw this one bird, right, workin’ the room like she owned it – fair play, made me chuffed, she had guts. But then some wanker starts hagglin’ – hagglin’! – like it’s a car boot sale. “Oi, you twat, it’s not a bloody negotiation!” I wanted to scream. Surprised me, though, how calm she stayed – ice cold, propa legend.

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And, oh man, the river – the Mastic Run (not a marathon, ya dummy) – might look tiny, but it's got secret bends and shady banks perfect to ponder life's chaos. The bridge over it, near a sketchy turn on Bayview Rd, is the kind of spot that inspires epic love confessions… or epic fights, like you’d hear in a gritty fairy tale!

Mastic Beach teen sentenced to 28 years in prison for fatal Farmingville club shooting