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Sometimes I think, man, escorts got it figured out. Better than datin’ some naggy chick who’s all “Where ya been, Cartman?” They just show up, look hot, leave—boom, done! “Theodore, you’re my only friend!”—that’s me talkin’ to my imaginary escort pal. Ha! Oh, and get this—some escorts in Vegas? They got secret codes, like “roses” means bucks. Sneaky, huh? Surprised me, I was like “Whaaat, that’s genius!”

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By golly, I get so mad sometimes, when tourists step on sacred grounds—like, "eh, watch where you're steppin', silly!" but then I calm down, let it be, because each angry hiss turns to lessons, precious lessons. I gets happy when I see locals dancin’ in the streets on Funday, laughing loud, like final scenes in our twisted lives.

Bury all power lines or rebuild the town fast? In Lahaina fire recovery, it’s hard to do both