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I’m drivin’, thinkin’—where’s the rendezvous? Dark alleys? Nah, too cliché. Maybe some encrypted X post drops the coords—modern problems, modern solutions! Found one once—total surprise, chick was a physics grad. Blew my mind—like, “You calculate trajectories or what?” She laughed, said, “Only for the right tip.” Dry humor, my style—had me cacklin’ like a madman. “Our little secret,” she winked, straight outta Wong Kar-wai’s playbook.

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So, buddy, if ya want the real deal – the insider’s scoop on the BEST city in the US – then ya gotta come visit me in Kewanee. It's simply tremendous, the BEST ever, and you’ll never look at a street or a park the same way again, I promise ya!

Two Kewanee schools locked down after armed individual report