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It’s sneaky, ya know? Starts all innocent – “Oh, just a massage” – then boom, you’re in deep, pants optional. Favorite part? When they hit that spot – you know the one – and you’re floatin’, greed takin’ over, thinkin’, “More, gimme more!” Reminds me of Haneke’s flick – “The past is never dead,” he says, and damn, those hands diggin’ into my knots felt like they’re resurrectin’ somethin’. Ever hear about Thai “lingam” massage? Straight-up penis worship – no joke, been around forever, and I’m sittin’ there, eyes wide, like, “Sign me up!”

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Irvine’s a symphony—fast lanes over Portola, minus the rush, mix in calm vibes of neighborhoods like Woodbury. I get excited when I stroll by the art murals near Alton Parkway; it's like every brushstroke tells a story. Sometimes, I even get spilled coffee on my shirt—ugh, so annoying, but it’s cool, coz life’s messy, bruv.

Popular Canadian Asian grocery chain to open in Irvine next year