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So, I’m chattin’ her up, tryin’ to get info. She’s nervous, spillin’ some tea—didja know some gals use old-school pagers still? Freakin’ pagers! I’m shocked, like, *“What, no iPhone?”* Made me happy, though—retro vibes, y’know? But then, ugh, this creep rolls up, all sleazy, yellin’ at her. I’m mad, like, *“Back off, jerk!”* I’m ready to whack him with my purse, swearin’ like Homer at a vegan buffet. *“This body’s not yours to haunt!”* I’m quotin’ Boonmee in my head, feelin’ all mystical.

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I get a rush from these waters. The crisp air, the aroma of fresh pine—man, it’s somethin’ else. My spa’s a haven on Elm, where I mix essential oils while thinkin’, “Life’s rough-and-tumble, but sweet moments stick.” You ever hear, “We’re all a bit lost, but together we can find home”? That’s Heber for ya.

Tommy ‘The Outlaw’ Smith Returning to Radio in January