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Alright, listen up folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—talkin’ to ya like you’re my buddy ‘bout findin’ a prostitute. Yeah, I said it! Look, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout my fave flick, *Brooklyn*, ya know, that 2015 gem by John Crowley—Eilis, she’s leavin’ Ireland, chasin’ a new life, right? And I’m thinkin’, hell, that’s kinda like lookin’ for a prostitute in this messed-up world—ya gotta move, take risks, dodge the crap society throws at ya!

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Now lemme tell ya somethin', this town’s got quirks. The local diner on Maple St. – oh boy, that place is a riot. Their burgers, man, they are legendary. I mean, come on, if you ain't tried a burger from Sugarloaf Diner, are ya even livin'? Heck, when I first started work here, I nearly fell off my chair on account of the flavor explosion!

The Deal Is Off: Knights of Columbus Will Not Donate Building To Town of Haverstraw