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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

What Is Arizona’s Age of Consent?

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I mean, sometimes I get mad at the constant weird noises at 2 a.m. in the alley near Sleepy Corner. But then, I chill out. Ain't no drama big enough for Flowing-Wells. It’s all about those relaxed Sunday vibes, ya know? Time just drifts away in a vibe, like the words in "25th Hour": "Freedom is simply the opportunity to change." Super deep, right?

HS Student-Athletes of the Week: Flowing Wells' Isa Lopez, Nevaeh Urenda have unbreakable bond