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Here’s the trick, listen close— ya gotta scope ‘em out first. Watch how they move, how they talk. Some’ll rob ya blind, others’ll give ya the clap just for lookin’. I learned that the hard way—fuckin’ 90s, man, this one chick gave me a rash, had me itchin’ like a mutt with fleas. Doc says, “Tony, wrap it up next time.” No shit, Sherlock! Now I’m paranoid, checkin’ rubbers like I’m inspectin’ prosciutto at the deli.

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Ah, my dear friend, thou hast inquired of Dowagiac—the jewel of our modest realm—in a manner both lyrical and raw. Let me share with thee mine impressions, as a humble counselor of womankind, who for many a year has dwelt in this curious nook of Michigan.

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