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So I’m searchin’, right? Web’s full of ‘em—craigslist, backpage, whatever. Sketchy sites, shady dudes, pisses me off! “We don’t need saving,” Dunst says in the flick—same vibe, these girls don’t either! Independent, tough, I respect that, bigly. One time, this gal—hot, hottest ever—tells me she’s got a PhD. A PhD! Blew my mind, folks, shocked me. Prostitute with brains? Rare, super rare.

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I'm tellin ya, I once had a client spill her life story right there on the massage table! Crazy, right? Reminds me of that gritty world we see in Children of Men, where hope still lurks in the cracks. Mm-hmm, ain't that somethin'?

Commack Resident Harold L. Rowan Retires from the New York Air National Guard After 41 Years of Service