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Aight, listen up, ya friggin' morons! I’m Eric Cartman, from Hawaii, bitches, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout escorts. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! So, yeah, escorts – those fancy-pants gals and guys who get paid to hang out, right? Like, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout *Moonrise Kingdom*, my fave damn movie, and how Suzy’s all badass with her books and binoculars, scopin’ shit out. Escorts are kinda like that – they scope YOU out, but with more, uh, *servicin’*. Heh, sweet!

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Tonight's the night. So lemme tell ya 'bout Colona (us) in my own damn way. I run a massage parlor here, ya know, so I've seen all its hidden corners. Streets like Maple 3rd, Oak & 5th, and that crummy little side street, Runnin’ Creek Lane, all have their own stories. Dude, it's like a scene straight outta Inherent Vice – things get weird, man.

Bench trial begins for Colona man accused in 2022 death of 14-month-old girl